Thursday, September 1, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Although I had moments of self-doubt, I had a feeling from the moment I submitted it that I'd win.
I found out on Friday, June 24th, that's exactly what happened: I won first place in the screenplay side of things! Interestingly enough, a friend of mine won second place in the essay portion! God I love writing!
For the interested, the short story version is available for about $1.00 on the Kindle and the Nook!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Then there are other days, those like today. While it's true that we've exchanged kind words this day, it has been fairly difficult for me to make it through this day. Today, this moment, I could use your company, but you're far, far away.
There are a thousand steps in each day. A thousand problems. A thousand difficulties. A thousand struggles. Each day, I make my way through these things, doing the best I can to solve them. Most of the time, the battles I fight are simple ones: solving problems, doing homework, getting to class on time. Then there are the big battles: the ones where I wonder about you, who you're seeing, what you're doing, and whether you care about me the way I care about you. I fight the battles of self-doubt daily, and I try to assure myself that if you didn't love me, you'd have told me to leave you alone. Sometimes I win those battles, sometimes I don't.
Either way, I endure those battles, those steps, one at a time, a thousand times a day.
Each day, I want to point you out, and make it clear to everyone that it's you I love. Each day is in itself a step towards the future, a step closer to the earliest day I can see you again.
Each day, each filled with a thousand steps, gets me closer to you. It's already been more than a thousand days since I last saw your smiling face in person, and it feels like it'll be a thousand days until I see it again. But I swear to you, that unless you don't wish to see me, that it will be less than 100 until that day arrives.
Each day is still a thousand steps. Each day is a thousand battles. I will endure them. I will fight the battles. I will win where I can, and I will suffer where I can't. But I will see you again, and we shall see what we shall see.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I long ago pledged to be the best me I could be. Many times I've chosen honesty over lies even when the outcome would not be favorable to myself. Many times I've stayed true to my word when I could have gotten away with breaking it. I would be a liar indeed if I swore that I've always done these things. But I have managed to maintain the scales in such a way that I have done more positive, more honest works in this world than I have done negative, and I will continue to do so.
I do it not because I desire to be better than anyone else. I'm not, and never shall be. I feel temptation and darkness just as everyone does. But I choose to try to do the right thing because it's right, and not for any reward. I choose to be a better me because it's what I want.
I know my heart, and I encourage you to know yours.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
While I've been surviving that way for the last few years, I can't honestly say I've been alive during that time. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect, and one of the areas in which I'm weak is actually building relationships of any kind with other people. I'm a paradox: I desire strong bonds with others yet I'm somewhat incapable of building those bonds except with a relatively small group of people. That's why my friends are the best friends anyone could ever want, but also why I have so few. It's not that I'm not an easy person to get along with; I have a lot of acquaintances and people that I'm on really good terms with, but there are few with whom I share that critical bond. Knowing that, how could I possibly find another woman with whom I could establish that and an even stronger bond?
There's also my anti-social tendencies. I can't go any further without mentioning them. It's very rare for me to be mean to anyone, or even to just show my anger or dislike, but often when I'm in public I'm fighting an urge to get away from everyone around me. There's a strange kind of pressure that I feel in public that makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. This pressure seems to grow disproportionately to the size of the crowd; in a crowd of thousands, I can blend in, but in a group of a dozen or two, I feel like I stand out and that everyone is aware of me. And not in a good way. It makes me want to crawl into a shell and hide. So can you imagine how I feel one on one?
I said that to say this: if I feel like hiding in an average sized group, and I really, really feel uncomfortable in a one on one situation, how could I possibly find the strength and courage at my age to date again? To go out and find that special woman that I could spend the rest of my life with?
That's been the crux of my expectations that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Yes, I know these are some serious psychological issues, and I've been aware of them and working on them myself (by myself) for decades. As anyone can see by the fact that I have been married, I have lead a fairly good life in public, and that I am getting ready to head into my senior year of college (nearly 20 years late) that I am capable of overcoming my weaknesses and failings. Having the strength to do so is sometimes a challenge, but I do it regularly. So why did I doubt that I could do it again for something so important?
I was tired. I looked to the future and saw myself declining in every way imaginable, and I couldn't see myself getting strong enough to overcome my issues enough to find anyone else. That's not even counting how a potential mate might see me, so I was ready to give up on that part of my life. Now, in the interests of full disclosure, that doesn't mean I actually did give up: I joined a dating site or two, and I've made some good and important friends at Oakland University, but there wasn't and isn't a single woman among them that I thought I might have a future with. I could still be wrong, the future is ever shifting, but at least at the moment, it doesn't matter.
The reason it doesn't matter, is that God had other plans for me. Out of my past, a young woman that I had established a strong bond with, came rushing back into my life. It wasn't a conscious act on her part. Or mine really. I started dreaming about her regularly, and though we had already been friends on a social site or two for years, I found that I couldn't stop reading her posts.
This last week, things shifted between us, and I find that we are now walking together towards a future that could be very bright and what each of us has needed and wanted. We haven't formally declared our relationship yet, but it's abundantly clear to me that she cares just as deeply about me as I do about her. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I'm embracing this new life as full heartedly as I can. Maybe it will last, maybe it won't, but I'm taking it day by day with love in my heart.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I haven't been out of her life because she didn't want me in it, we were just not available to one another at the time. Now, though... Things have changed, and something keeps drawing me back to her. After my open letter last year, I had managed to get her off my mind, and I did manage to get over her at long last, but these last couple of weeks have put her back on my mind, and I can't help but think that God's hands are at work once again, and some of the things that M. said... Well, let's just say that I believe God is at work here. M., if you're reading this, I think you're my angel!
Today I find myself too easily distracted by the possibilities of doing something else, and I'm doing nothing but digging myself a hole with regards to school. Maybe it's because I think that no matter what I do today, I'll come out all right. Maybe it's that I think I'm in love, and have been further encouraged by a few simple words. Maybe I just have too damned much energy that I should go burn off at the gym... I don't know, but I know I should be more concerned about the immediate, the midterm I have tomorrow, than I am. But it's irrelevant.
P.S. Remind me of that when I'm repeating this course... ;-)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Some might argue that I'm preparing for life by going back to school. Some would say that it's the right thing for me to be doing in this economy. Usually I'd be saying these things myself, because they're logical and carry wisdom. But today, I just can't stop thinking about the parts of life I'm missing, and wondering about paths not taken, and a woman I left unkissed.
Friday, February 4, 2011
In case I fail to make it clear elsewhere, the KillZone 3 beta is awesome! If you own a PS3 and you like first person shooters, grab the beta and check it out!
In all likelihood, I'll be posting a review at HTTP://anevilgeni.us before the weekend is out.