Sunday, June 13, 2010

Tired and Lost...

Like the title says, right now I'm feeling tired and lost. I've been living more or less day to day for so long that I'm not sure how I manage to keep going at all.  I've got visions of the future I want for myself, but I'm not entirely sure it's possible for me to get there. I miss having my friends around me, I miss having a significant other. I miss my son. I also miss that part of my soul that I took for granted: the creative spark that let me write stories like a mad man.

I can still write very well, and I believe I can come up with ingenious story ideas with plots and subplots that flow so well it's hard to believe I'm making them up as I go along, but I fear that I've lost the ability to just put those ideas on paper, weaving them as they come out. It's not just because I'm out of practice, there was just a fire that I've lost some where along the way to where I am now...

Ironically, the creative talent that I fear I've lost has been replaced by programming logic I wouldn't mind losing... I've been surviving on my talents with computers for more than 10 years now, but they've never really lead me to a successful career. Just when I thought I had settled into a company I could stay with forever, Be Incorporated, they went and died on me. So I found myself floating from company to company between years of unemployment, and yet here I am working on a project that might help pay my bills if I'm lucky.

As I mentioned on my development web site, Bad Luck Software, I'm working on an Android application that will allow people to enter the price of gas at a local gas station. Yeah, that's real genius right? Well, the good part, the part that I hope people will like, is that as people enter gas prices everywhere, hopefully on a daily basis, people will be able to find the lowest gas prices in their area. And maybe, just maybe, if they find my little app useful enough, they'll donate a few dollars to support my work. Maybe.

The app is nearly done... I'm in the process of trying to link the app to the central database, and then I have a few more items to polish up. After that, I have the not so insignificant task of convincing people to use it without pre-existing data. At the moment, I have no fucking idea how I'm going to do that when I can't even get my friends and family to acknowledge that they have Android phones so they could possibly help me out... I don't want to pester anyone into using something to help me (and others) out, but I don't think I have any other choice...

I'm really tired of trying to make a better life for myself only to fail. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of bad shit happening to me. But I'm praying and hoping that I'm on God's path, and that on this path I'll find that place I'm supposed to be so I won't be lost any more.

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